Day 17 - The second 100% day

Ahhh another day of work, thank god it's only training again I'm not ready to take on the world yet.

Up I got and got dressed in my not so awesome uniform......bler still looks bloody terrible.  Once again it was a rush to get out of the house on time but we managed.  Head to the childcare centre to drop little miss off.....all was going well until I went to leave.  Oh my gosh my heart plummeted she looked at me and started crying her little heart out, I just wanted to grab her, hug her and tell her I was coming back.  I did do that but then had to leave, I made sure she was distracted while I slipped out.

 

Work is so overwhelming, so much has changed in the last 13 months I feel like a newbie just out of the academy.  How am I ever going to get my head around everything??? Legislation has changed, policy has changed, the way we do things like dispose of paperwork has changed I could feel my anxiety rising again.  I spent most of the day in training again so it wasn't so bad again but I'm still feeling very in over my head. 

 

By the end of the working day a few things had happened, I had caught up on some things at work which made a bit more sense AND I had been 100% with my food for the second day running. 

 

Once again my intention was to go to gym after work and once again all I could think of was getting out of there and getting my little princess.  I arrived at day care thinking surely she will be happy today, how wrong I was.  The minute she saw me she started crying her little eyes out, it's like she thinks we aren't going to come and get her again.....ahh cue the mummy guilt. 

 

Then I started thinking am I doing the right thing, maybe I should just stay home with her and make ends meet, but the interaction for her is great......ahhhh being a parent has so much baggage that no one tells you about.

 

I spent the night with my princess and hubby just enjoying the company.  Yes I should have gone back into the gym but I didn't, and it's ok, I'm not going to feel guilty about it, I have so much on my plate at the moment.  Then as we were sitting there watching and playing games with our beautiful daughter the most wonderful thing happened that made me forget how much of a shit day I had!  My little princess at 10.5 months on remembrance day took her first unassisted steps......proudest moment of my life!!!  Everything I'd been thinking that whole day in my head was gone, all I could see was this beautiful little creation smiling at me as she took steps.

 

I had a whole chicken which I got ready to put into the slow cooker the next morning, I figured it's easier than running around when I get home.  So before I went to bed I got that organized with the spices and coated it, put it in the slow cooker pan and put it in the fridge.

 

Ahhh bed come at me.........I haven't done any exercise but I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.

 

Some wisdom for you all today and honestly the way I feel every day, am I just messing her up???:

 

 

Day 16 - First day back at work

I opened my eyes today with absolute dread, my heart was pounding and my palms were sweating! After 13 months on maternity leave I was leaving my 10.5 month old daughter in childcare and going back to work!

 

I quickly worked out that I needed to get up earlier in order to get my daughter fed, myself fed, both of us dressed, her dropped at daycare and me at work on time!  We got there and I must say THANK GOD FOR MY PREPARATION OF FOOD THE NIGHT BEFORE!!!

Now I need to talk about getting dressed for work.  This is a brave thing for me to write but I promised I would be honest in this blog.  Last week I put my work pants on low and behold they didn't fit!  Shit what the hell am I going to do now??? I had some on order because I had worked out a couple of months ago they didn't fit but I thought maybe I may have been able to squeeze into them. 

Hmmm lucky my MIL can sew and we managed to modify a pair of other pants to fit me, oh did I mention my shirts don't fit either so I'm wearing my husbands small ones that don't fit him anymore.  The humiliation I feel is incredible, I got myself dressed and looked in the mirror.......I'm still disgusted with what I saw.  I don't fit in my own uniform and have to resort to wearing my husbands!  Until the day I die I don't think I will ever get over that moment, the realization of how large I really am.

 

I dropped her off at childcare, it was the worst mummy moment ever walking away and leaving her there was terrible.  After I got through that I was off to work.  Walking in the back door of work was terrible, my heart was still pounding and I knew I didn't want to be there but hey that's life.  The rest of the day was uneventful, I had training all day. 

 

One massive positive in going back to work my eating was so much better!  I was able to get all my meals in, I didn't have a fridge in front of me to snack if I needed to and I was working so I wasn't able to just eat whenever.  By the end of the day I had complied with MP meals 100%.  My thought was to finish work then head up to the gym and get my FIRE session done......I planned but it failed.  By 4pm all I could think of was getting out of there and picking up my little princess from daycare and giving her a big hug!

 

Ahhh kids they so know how to make you feel like the worst person in the world.  We turned up to pick her up, the minute she saw us she burst into tears and cried her little heart out.  Oh my god the worst mummy guilt EVER!!!!  I gave her a big hug and we all headed home.

 

I spent some time with her, as I was sitting on the couch I had one of those moments.  It was like my two different conscience sitting on my shoulders, one was saying get up, go to the shed and at least get your ICE session done.  The other side was saying, noooooo your right just do it later or better yet do it tomorrow.  In the end the good side won and I headed out to do my ICE session. 

 

Holy snapping duck shit, 55 burpees and push ups later and that was just the start I was knackered!!! But I pushed through and finished the other 4 sets of exercises.  I believe in total I did over 200 push ups.....admittedly they weren't all 'mens' push ups but they were still push ups.  Dang my arms are going to be sore tomorrow.

I did another cook up tonight, combined some natural fat free yoghurt and some korma paste together.  Chopped some chicken breast and combined it.....popped in the fridge to marinate for a while.  Mmmmmm yummy cooked some for dinner and portioned up the rest....even the hubby liked it!

 

Just to clarify Sarah Page I FREAKING HATE BURPEES!!!!  I think number 3 on this picture adequately sums up my thoughts on burpees! LOL..................

 

 

 

Day 15 - The day before I went back to work!

Today I got up with a goal and purpose in mind!  I was going to do a cook up and start the 3rd week of MP organized and ready!  I got the meat out of the freezer, mince and chicken.  I sat down and sorted my menu and worked out what I had and what I needed to get.

 

I spent lunchtime with my beautiful family down on the rowing club lawns.  My daughter doesn't really like grass shes like a cat on water its quite funny to watch.  Off we go into town and hmmmm what did we get for lunch KFC!!!!!!!!!! WTF................. 

 

The whole time I was eating it I was also sitting there thinking to myself, 'Sarah is going to kill me'!!!   But then again the other side of my brain was saying, 'no she won't, 1 because she's in QLD so it's physically impossible and 2 because only I can control what goes in my mouth!  I have to want it bad enough which believe me I do but I still slip.

 

So we sat down the river and had lunch, I watched my daughter crawling around chasing ducks trying to keep my mind off the fact that the next day I had to go back to work after 13 months off.  I was also trying to keep my anxiety in check which wasn't going so well!

 

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful EXCEPT I cooked!!!!!! Now to most this isn't that much of a big deal except I CAN'T COOK LOL..........hubby does most of the cooking in our house.

After I put my daughter to bed I made a lovely huge double batch of savory mince and planned out what I was going to cook the following night.  I was all set to start the new week off with a bang.....well as far as MP is concerned anyway.

I think this photo and quote adequately sums it up!

 

Day 14 - The day I met Jane Bunn and got my first compliment

Today is Saturday, it started off like a normal day 7am start!!!!!!! except that today we had oh about 4 different things we needed to attend.  Wasn't sure how we were going to achieve that, I found out that we couldn't achieve it!!!

 

At 10am we had a 3rd birthday party, Sydney loves birthday parties especially because it was little Brock stars birthday at Lifestyle Plus on King Avenue, Mildura.  Great spot for a birthday the kids can run around and have a great time (hopefully they all slept well for their parents afterwards).

 

I made some 'interesting' food choices at the party, I had my breakfast which was an MP meal but then the day just well turned to shit.

 

We arrived at the party I had a friend who I had not seen since before I started my MP journey say 'Sash the exercise is working you look great'!  Wow my first compliment, the blood sweat and tears of the first two weeks must have started shifting something! Then I started thinking imagine if I had stuck to it 100%.....but I'm not going to dwell on that thought what is done is done, trying to be a perfectionist will only make my anxiety worse.

 

Party was done, I admit I picked at party food I can't resist a piece of fairy bread!!!!  Next we headed off to the Telstra Business Centre for a private invitation lunch with Jane Bunn.  The Tesltra Business Centre does a great job, for any sort of telecommunication needs head on down there they are located on 7th Street, Mildura between San Mateo and Etiwanda Avenue's.

 

For those reading that are not from around the Mildura area, Jane Bunn is a bit of a local area celebrity.  Basically the long and short of it is she does the weather for the local news which isn't that spectacular except that apparently according to every male in the area has big awesome boobs.  Ask any male who's watching the news what the weather will be like the next day and they won't be able to tell you.

 

Anyway so here we are once again surrounded by wonderful food waiting for Jane to arrive.  When she did I must admit I was shocked she's a lot taller and a lot thinner than expected.  She really does prove that the camera does pile on about 10 kilos (oh and the boobs aren't that big guys).  I had the photo with her, still not exactly sure why me with severe body issues and seriously overweight would agree to a photo with a tall, blonde very attractive television person! 

 

3:30pm and that part of the day was done, we hadn't made it to the other birthday party we had to go to that day, Sydney was exhausted an not exactly the easiest to deal with.  After standing and thinking for a while it was decided to head to a winery not to far from our house.  Great, awesome MP decision but ahhhhh those wines went down awfully well!!!!!

 

By that night I was exhausted, full of food I shouldn't have eaten, had to many wines that I shouldn't have had and was tired.  I promised myself that next week would be a better week, it had to be better than this week.

 

I'm not going to leave you with a quote today just a photo with Jane:

 

 

Day 11, 12 & 13 - The Blurr

I've decided to join all three of these days into one, I may do this from time to time.

I did ok with my food for these three days but only managed to fit one more lot of exercise in.  Yes yes I know it was my own fault I was lazy, I wasn't prepared (my trainer Sarah keeps telling me preparation is the key) so I didn't stick to it very well.

To be honest I'm very anxious about going back to work next week, little anxiety attacks and talking in my sleep again.  Leaving my baby girl in the hands of someone else 4 days a week is not sitting well with me.  Yes I know thousands of people do it every year but that doesn't make it any easier for this mumma.  I think this has a bit to do with my eating and the not so great choices I have made. 

I know its not an excuse but in my head it justifies that glass of wine I've had or the inside meal eating in an outside period!!!  

Anxiety is a funny thing I didn't realise what it was when I first felt it, I just thought my heart was racing.  It was only after my husband told me I had started talking in my sleep and grabbing him in my sleep that I realized my stress levels were sky rocketing.  I haven't had those things since before I was pregnant with my daughter.  I am suffering from anxiety and to a degree probably a small amount of depression but that's to do with my weight more than anything!  But that's a moot point now because thanks to the lovely Sarah Page and MP I'm on my way to getting rid of the weight and one less thing to worry about. 

Anxiety can have a number of symptoms which a lot of people may have and not realise.  A few of the more common ones are:

• hot and cold flushes
• racing heart
• tightening of the chest
• snowballing worries
• obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviour.

 

I've attached the link to the Beyond Blue website, I implore anyone out there reading who is suffering from anxiety, depression or anything else related to reach out.  There are so many services and people out there to help you don't need to go through it alone.

 

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety

 

On that note I will leave you with this for today, this is how I feel most days:

 

Day 10 - The day after the race that stops the nation

Ahhhhhhhh child why must you wake at 7am when mummy and daddy just want to sleep in!

 

Thank god my lovely husband got up with little miss and let me sleep in.....sooooo tired!!!!!

 

To be honest today was a no go for anything!  I made terrible food choices, I did no exercise and generally felt like absolute pooh!

 

I was speaking to a work colleague tonight about my body image.  There is no denying I'm fat and overweight, I'm still carrying my 'baby' weight which I'm not proud of!  I mentioned to her that I hate what I call my 'mummy tummy', she said something that really made me think, she said 'mummy tummies are war wounds, wear yours with pride while you work it down'. 

 

This made me think about all the good things I have in my life.  Yes I hate being overweight and yes I hate when I look in the mirror but I'm so thankful of the precious gift I now have because of my 'mummy tummy'. 

 

I look at my tummy differently now, don't get me wrong I still hate being fat!  On that note I'm going to leave you with the following quote, I think we can all take something from it!

 

 

Day 9 - Melbourne Cup Day

The race that stops the nation what a day!!!!!

My day started off great I was up and out of bed with little miss ready for an awesome day of sunshine, horses and champagne.  I promised myself that I would do my ICE session that day and I did.  It almost killed me but I knew I needed to get something right that day.

 

What can I say about the rest of my day it was soooooo much fun.  My husband and I spent the day at the local races with family enjoying the good life.  We had lovely food supplied by the gourmet chef in the gold marquee and drank A LOT of champagne!  I had a few wins nothing that I can retire on but I came home with $10 extra than what I started with........WINNER!!!!!!!!!

 

We kept the party going that evening going out for post races dinner at The Spanish Bar and Grill a local steak restaurant.  After some very funny phone calls to Scotland (my brother in laws mother), at 11pm it was time to call it a night and head home.

 

Although I did drink a lot and eat a bit today I made smart choices as far as my food was concerned.  I tried to stay away from the creamy sauces, I had steak for dinner and minimal bread. 

 

My thought for today is a funny one: